3 Issue 49 — Spring 2018 THE KEDGE ANCHOR had stolen the show with his perfect Nelson patois and references to George III who he had met in this very throne room! Almost reluctant to move on The Queen’s parting line was, “But I thought you had a Norfolk accent!” She had found the only concession Alex had made to modern times! He felt that his own accent for a wider audience would be better understood. He was right of course. Thirdly, at a Trafalgar reception at the Savile Club in London’s Mayfair the guest of honour was Lord Nelson. I was outside waiting to welcome him. It was a cold, dark and very foggy night. Through the vaporous mist he loomed with his Chelengk-crested hat and full-length boat cloak. Two hundred years suddenly fell away. This was Nelson! The Nelson who had wandered the very same Mayfair streets in 1800 wrestling with one of the greatest dilemmas of his life – how to choose between Fanny and Emma. We have lost two very different but very special personalities but their respective contributions to promoting the Georgian sailing era will live on and inspire us. Let us trust that they are both raised to a bliss ineffable and their own immortalities. Before closing, may I express my thanks to our Kedge Anchor editor, Ken Flemming. He creates this impressive magazine in ‘splendid isolation’ and does a marvelous job. Please discuss articles and ideas with him. He will be delighted to hear from you. With all good wishes, yours aye, KISS ME HARDY (The scene is the deck of the recently renamed British flagship, HMS Appeasement.) "Order the signal, Hardy." "Aye aye, sir." "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" "Sorry, sir?" "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?" "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist." "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." "Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments." "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge-drinking." "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." "I think you'll find that there's a four knots speed limit in this stretch of water." "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." "That won't be possible, sir." What? "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c's'le, Admiral." "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." "A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." "What? This is mutiny." "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" "Actually, sir, we're not." "We're not?" "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary." "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king." "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment." "What about sodomy?" "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." "In that case. .. kiss me, Hardy." So that’s why Nelson said Kiss me Hardy. Daily mail. Littlejohn. Kiss me Hardy Not blooming likely (Picture and caption credit unknown)
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